


like a virus

by icarusinflight



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, DeanCas Writing Challenge, Introspection, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Purgatory, hopeful ending kinda?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-04
Updated: 2018-02-04
Packaged: 2019-03-13 12:35:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13570707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/icarusinflight/pseuds/icarusinflight
Summary: “I'd rather have you, cursed or not,” he'd said, and he'd said it in the moment, meant it with everything he had, even if it wasn't everything he wanted to say.





	like a virus

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for Round 1 of the [DeanCas Writing Challenge.](https://deancaswc.tumblr.com/)  
> I was given the quote _"I'd rather have you, cursed or not."_
> 
> Thanks so much to [SPNHell](http://spnhell.tumblr.com/) for the beta. You're a champ!
> 
> Also fyi I sing that title to the tune of Madonna's _like a virgin_ I can't undo that link in my head so now you all need to know it too

“I'd rather have you, cursed or not,” he'd said, and he'd said it in the moment, meant it with everything he had, even if it wasn't everything he wanted to say. 

It wasn't until later, after the Leviathan, and Dick, after  _ everything _ had gone down and he'd woken up in Purgatory. He’d woken up to Cas, and then Cas had just been  _ gone _ , no sign of him anywhere. It wasn't until after he'd run, just let his instincts take over for once and  _ run the fuck away _ that the words came back to him again.

The words were true - are true, there's no fucking doubt in his mind there. He'd rather have Cas, cursed or not.

But Cas is wrong. 

He’s not cursed. 

Everything that's happened to Cas, from falling, to dying, being brought back, the civil war in Heaven;  _ everything _ has happened since Dean came into his life. 

Because of Dean. 

And now Cas is in Purgatory, running for his life, maybe already captured by the monsters here - maybe dead already - because of Dean. 

It’s all because of him again.

The only thing stopping him from yelling out his anger, or punching a tree in frustration, is the knowledge that the noise could give him away to any creature in his vicinity. He needs to be smart about this, so he does what he always does: bottles it all up, and shoves them down. Hopefully never to be heard from again.

If only it were that easy.

Dean finds a place, a shelter of sorts, because he knows his body needs to rest. He can't even remember the last time he'd properly slept, just sneaking naps when he got the chance or when his body forced himself to take a break. He’s been running on fumes as far back as he can think, and he knows that can’t go on - he needs to be on high alert in Purgatory - which means he also needs to rest.

It's just that every time he closes his eyes all he can see in front of him is Cas telling him he thinks that he's the one that's cursed. 

It had seemed like the right thing to say then. 

He'd just been trying to reassure Cas.

But it feels like the words are haunting him now.

He rolls over onto his side, opening his eyes to stare at the bushes which make up his shelter; the foliage that will hopefully hide him from purgatory’s monsters, and also warn him should they get too close. He wonders, not for the first time, where Cas is now. If he's got a shelter like this, that is, if he's not already been captured. Maybe he’s already dead. Or maybe he's already been resurrected again - back from the dead as just another punishment, after once again getting himself killed from one of Dean's ideas. 

Cas marked him with his hand when he pulled Dean from Hell, and Dean thinks maybe he placed a dirty mark on his soul, or his grace, or whatever the equivalent is for angels. 

In his mind he thinks of it as the Winchester-Campbell-Curse. He’s not sure really which side it came from, or maybe both. Maybe when the angels pushed Mary Campbell and John Winchester together they not only made the perfect little archangel hosts they also made the ultimate curse. A curse so strong it infects everything it touches, spreading like the Croatoan virus. 

Except this virus is transmittable just by proximity.

The Winchester-Campbell-Curse has taken out Ash, Ellen and Jo, Pastor Jim, Bobby… fuck, even Pamela, probably more people he can’t even think about. He feels a prick at his eyes, and he squeezes them shut tight to stop the pain.

If he had any fucking guts he would have told Cas. Would have told Cas to leave them, get out while he still could and never come back.

Except he hadn’t. 

Because at some stage in his life, it stopped being him and Sammy, (or him and Bobby and Sammy), and it started being him, Sammy, and Cas. Cas is a part of his life now, even when he's not in it, just like Lisa always will be, just like there's always gonna be a part of him that thinks of Bobby when they're on a hunt. 

Cas is a part of his life now and he doesn't want to lose that. 

It’s selfish, and wrong, and unfair, and Dean feels his cheeks heat up at the thought - from the shame, not from the thought of how he wants Cas in his life.

And he doesn’t even have that now anyway.

Rolling over onto his back again, he curses the hard and uneven ground he’s on. Rest wouldn’t come easy even if his mind weren’t stuck running in circles. So far since he’s been in Purgatory the day hasn’t changed, it’s still bleak and overcast. The sky doesn’t look cloudy, but it’s like there’s something else casting a shadow over the place. He hasn’t seen a night here yet, and he’s not sure if that means there isn’t a day/night cycle, or if it’s just longer. He doesn’t actually know how long he’s been in Purgatory - whether it’s even been long enough for an Earth cycle to have passed.

It’s just all messed up.

The panic sneaks up on him, coming up behind him from his blind spot, and all of a sudden the problems seem insurmountable, and this place feels like its smothering him, the non-existent walls closing in. He slams his eyes shut, blocking out Purgatory as much as he can and focuses on his breathing. 

In through the nose - one-two-three-four.

Hold - one-two-three-four-five-six-seven.

Out through his mouth - one-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight

He repeats the exercise a couple of times, until his heart rate feels like it’s returning to normal. He abandons the count, but continues to breath in deeply, careful not to let his heart start racing again. The technique is something he’d learnt back in the Boys Home, so many years ago. He can’t remember the last time he actually used it - usually he uses his emotions to  _ punch _ but he can’t do that right now.

He feels a sense of calm come over him from the narrowly avoided panic attack. Or at least detachment from his emotions - it still helps. He can look at the problem better.

There’s nothing he can do about any of it right now. He needs to find Cas, find a way out of here.

Then he can tell Cas.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed!
> 
> Comments and Kudos give me life  
> Find me at tumblr at [candybarrnerd](http://candybarrnerd.tumblr.com/)


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